This will not be long. For I will be stating facts. The truth of how isolating this disease (tag team of MCAS & POTS) is just hit me. I haven’t been out of my home for 5 days. As the remnants of Hurricane Ian is said to pass by people are scrambling to stock up. I do not feel moved to prepared. I feel unaffected.

The rules that applies to everyone no longer applies to me. Not that I have chosen rebellion, it choose me. My body has gone against it’s purpose and attacked me. So when alerts go off that we should stay indoors and prepare for a hurricane, I am not moved. I am always indoors. When the broadcast said we no longer needed to wear masks I don’t care to have strong feelings about the announcement. I always have to wear a mask, 2 if we decided to have organic contact.

I’m stuck within a pocket of time, where the present is happening and yesterdays are memories but tomorrow is the future. I don’t know where to live. I live in the past which is the covid era with stay at home orders. I live in the future because of what ifs. I need to be prepared in case I have to get snatched from the present to save my life. And the present? I am painfully aware of THE PRESENT and my limitations. Ironically, it’s the present that hunts my soul down. I find myself running into the safety of the future where my faith lies anchored to the hope of no longer being sick. I would like to visit family & friends I miss dearly but I can’t . I’m always negotiating with the present because I want to be free like everyone else. At times I say I’m not limited, I can leave any time I want. Some times I think I’m winning the argument but my body stands against me. Always the antagonist and sides with the present. I lose & retreat. Their argument? What’s certain is uncertainty.

There are 3 kinds of people around me. The 1st are terrified of being around me. They stay away at all times. The thought of being the cause of a reaction is traumatizing so they don’t even try. And I get it, I really do. This piece is about me. Not what others should feel. Remember at the beginning I said I was going to state facts?

2nd type of people. They see possibilities and we brainstorm as to how we can be in the company of each other. There is nothing more say. And you would like to know if we are successful. It’s neither here or there. The answer is not necessary to understand how I’m feeling.

Then there is the 3rd group. You know when you have that kid? It doesn’t matter who that kid is. The kid could be a child, a sibling, cousin, student. You know! they will do what they want, and you just have to be prepared to deal with the clean up. Yes, that’s the 3rd group people. They just don’t listen. So I avoid them at all cost. The end result? Isolation.

It gets lonely. There are no waves when you are the only drop of water in the ocean. You are isolated yet vulnerable. I guess I was naive to think people would want to vi…………

No need to finish that sentence. Remember? The rebel. There will be no transitional sentence to introduce the next paragraph. I really didn’t understand why people were telling me I am strong throughout this whole ordeal. Well my hair is cut, my strength is gone. I HAD the strenght to face ferocious lions who denied me life saving treatment, I stood strong like the jaw bone of a donkey and battled against enemies who tried to tell me it’s in my head. At last I ate honey when I was able to come to my kids.

I guess it’s my fault. I opened up & let the world into my secret. I only meant to educate and to be transparent. But Delilah will no longer visit, my hair has been cut and scattered. Now I’m a captive within these walls. Well maybe, just maybe my hair will grow back and I will gain my strength. Because Samson’s did, I’d like to think I have faith like him. And live in the present, with certainty that the future will be better.

I am the only drop of water in the ocean.

I am colorless.

The birds do not fly over me.

The rain clouds have hung up their shoes,

I miss the sound of them dancing

on top of the ocean.

There is no knocking of children’s laughter.

I am the only drop of water in an ocean.

I did say this will not be long. I did warn you, I’m a re…. Well, you finish the sentence.