And it may not happen…
I haven’t been able to get a surgical date. The Operating Room is full. My surgeon is not having success getting a date. I honestly feel they don’t want to give it to her.
I have no more barricades to put up for the upcoming storms. Each reaction wears down at my barriers. I wasn’t built on sand but was built on a rock mass. But I have weathered the storm of this disease for too long. The tremors, strokes, seizures or what ever you want to call it after each reaction will kill me one day. It’s not an if, it’s a when.
I am planning my funeral just as I would want it. I don’t want people to cry for me after I’m gone. I want you to laugh with me now. Inevitably this surprise party feels like my last goodbye to my loved ones. I can feel it, that my body will not last much longer through these attacks.
I was only built so hard. But this is too hard. I plead with life to spare me each time I have a reaction. I’ve stopped. What I had left from my hospitalization has been worn out. Courage showed up & it made everyone gasp. It took control and wrapped each heartbeat to force it to keep going. Courage showed up and made a strong argument to keeping living. Courage came and wrapped me an affair with life. Life that doesn’t want to belong to me. As if it was committed to someone else, I sort after life as it promises to love me unconditionally. It’s failure to commit to me is not because I am not worth it. But as it leaves me, it says “You deserve better”.
I just don’t have the same power anymore. I fell so hard on my heart. I broke it at my own weakness. Give me yours to borrow. I do only ask for a pound of flesh. Things don’t work that way. No one’s heart can beat for me. Where is the life? Where is the life? I am pained at heart my darling. What is this that was bestowed upon me?
I am reacting to my medications, to my feeds. Oh where is my hope? I’m not looking for a cure. You don’t even have to come home to me every night. But I will be faithful. It’s okay, I don’t believe in soulmates, it’s a fallacy. I need no special kiss good night. I just want to live. So give me love, LIFE! It takes two to live. And I want to…why leave me unrequited in this relationship?
Haven’t I shown I want to live? Here is my voucher, see my eyewitnesses will take an oath for me.
Oh I’m just tired.